One thing I realized fairly early on as a therapist, was that a lot of hurt and angry feelings stemmed from misunderstanding and miscommunication. People often reacted to what they think they heard or how they interpreted what someone said instead of just asking them to repeat what they said or asking what they meant. I consider myself a straight shooter. I like to get to the point and I appreciate it when other people do the same. Why use 80 words when you can say it in 15? I often say, “I say what I mean and I mean what I say”, but sometimes what happens is that someone assumes what I meant by what I said and acts on their assumption. Of course, this doesn’t happen to just me and it happens everyday to people everywhere. So much frustration could be resolved by doing the following: 1) Pause and think about what was said instead of reacting to what you think you heard. Does it make sense what you heard? Sometimes we get triggered by the use of certain words, the person speaking and our own bias and assumptions. Once you’re triggered, you don’t hear what’s being because it’s being filtered through your reaction. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “What did she just say” or “I know, he didn’t just say what I thought he said”, then you were reacting and not listening. You can think about what the person said and listen to theme talk at the same time. I promise you, you are missing some of what they said and your mind filled in the blanks.  Our minds do this automatically, without us realizing it, so it’s easy to miss that this is happening. 2) Check your assumption. Ask the person directly what they meant by a statement instead of assuming. Depending on who is around and the context of what was said, you may not be able to ask the person in the moment what they meant by a statement, but if it’s just the two of you, then ask them then and there to clarify.  3) Remain calm when asking for clarity and give the person the benefit of the doubt.  Don’t assume the worst and ask in an aggressive manner. Asking “What did you just say to me?” will get a very different reaction than, “Can you repeat that? I’m not sure I heard you correctly or “I want to make sure I heard you right, did you say XYZ?” 4) Give the person the opportunity to state what they meant or clarify their statement. 5) If what they said is troubling you, tell them calmly in the moment how you feel.

I know this is not as easy as it sounds, but if you practice it gets better. Remember to: think about what was said, check your assumptions. ask for clarity, let them explain themselves and if needed, calmly express your thoughts. It’s never too late to start. All it takes is your willingness to try.